The Dragon of Eros
by NeonZangetsu
Summary: Strength isn't everything, he told me. The sharpest mind can destroy the darkest of demons. Fend off the strongest fairy. Crush phantoms. Who am I, you ask? I am the Dragon of Eros. A far-flung child, taken under ancient wings. An unabashed pervert. What? Save the world? I don't think so. Where's the fun in that, ya know? Smart Narutoxharem. Silliness and naughty bits within! VOTE!
1. The Art of Ero

**A/N: ANOTHER FAIRY TAIL REQUEST ALREADY?! Jeez I'm too nice for my own good sometimes, but that's just who I am =D**

 **Also!**

 **You guys can expect a reboot for Dawn of Thunder, soon. Because that fic sorely needs one at this point. I am NOT discontinuing it. I am, however, going back and rewriting portions of it, since canon ZEREF apparently decided to give my story a good hard slap to the face.**

 **The request-giver for THIS new fic asked to remain anonymous, but spoke to me of a dragon I wasn't terribly familiar with. I've also been asked to take a few liberties in that regard to him. Who, you ask? Acnologia? No, that's been done. Igneel? NOPE! An original dragon? NYET. The request was for...**

 **...Zirconis.**

 **A perverted Dragon of Jade.**

 **His magic is...well, amusing to say the least, if you know what I mean. I had a good laugh after seeing it. They asked me to write a story in which he survived Acnologia's wrath. A tale in which he went into hiding. A tale in which he took on an apprentice. Now, I remind you that while he might not be particularly powerful of dragons, he's a right clever old sod and still tough. Add to that the raw potential for what the request giver asked, and well...I GOT FIRED UP!**

 **See where I'm going with this, hmm?**

 **Power ain't everything, folks.**

 **Its how you use it!**

 **Let the a universe of perverted madness arise!**

 **Let slip the dogs of insanity and silliness!**

 **Let the chaos reign!**

 **HAPPY HOLIDAYS!**

 _"Over 400 years ago...dragons were the Kings of this world, freely soaring the skies._

 _Dominating the lands, crossing the seas._

 _We led a prosperous life._

 _Everything in the world, belonged to **US."**_

 _~Zirconis._

 **The Art of Ero**

At long last, the sealing had been completed.

Minato gazed down at the wailing newborn in his arms and silently lamented what he'd done. What he'd been forced to do. Naruto, his child-his heir!-bawled long and loud to the heavens, and the kage couldn't help but to wonder if the boy was even desparing his fate. Perhaps he was. Even as he fought to keep the smile on his face he felt himself slipping, his spirit seeping out of his body as the Death God extracted its toll for the price of his heroism. He longed to say something to his son-anything-to comfort him somehow, but the words refused to come. For all his will and might, he simply couldn't stave off any longer.

He could only smile.

His wife Kushina lay in front of him, as they both had been pierced in the stomach protecting their son from one of the Kyuubi's claws. Even now she shed tears for their progeny, his name stitched ever-so-lovingly into the blankets covering him. He was warm. He was safe. Their chakra was there, inside him, to correct the seal should it ever fail. Minato took heart in that. In a sense, they were still with him. Still there. Still watching over him.

They coud not however, stifle his cries.

For all his resolve, he couldn't help but feel guilty at what he had done to his baby boy. He'd denied him a life of normalcy. No one would look at him the same after this night. He knew some people may dislike him, but he wanted to believe they would see him as the little hero he was. He had to. He must. To think otherwise was to die with regret and that was something he dare not do. In a sense, he'd taken two birds with a single stone by turning his son into a Jinchuuriki; he protected his village with one hand and gave his son a power to help fight against the masked man that had wrought this horrible fate with another-

Then, something strange occurred.

Perhaps it was some side effect of the seal gone wrong, or some other eldritch effect he didn't understand.

Whatever the case, it simply...happened.

Naruto, poor, little Naruto who'd been forced to bear a burden no one should, suddenly found himself surrounded by a strange, swirling vortex. Minato scarcely had time to see it before the bawling babe disappeared. Pop. Vanished, his mewling cries echoing away on the wind. Just like that. There was no warning-no precedent-no explanation for this sudden phenomenon. His son, and the blankets swadling him on the altar, were suddenly gone in a burst of golden energy, leaving nothing but empty air and distant sound behind. Then, not even that.

Minato's final thought was one of sheer incredulity.

 _'Okay. That...is...bullshit...!'_

The Shinigami claimed him and Kushina a heartbeat later, their expressions frozen in disebelief as their bodies fell lifeless and listless; their souls going to the shinigami before they so much as struck the ground. Their last breath was their son's name.

They would never see him again.

* * *

From his perch in the treeline, Obito stifled a furious shout.

 _Damnitall!_

His lone arm clenched and unclenched, fingers knotting against his palm with enough force to draw blood beneath the glove. It had all gone wrong. Wrong, wrong wrong _wrongwrongwrongwrong!_ He wanted to shout; to spit and snarl shriek and scream, but he held his silence. Something had gone wrong. Someone-something!-had interfered with him! He'd heard a woman's voice, a cheeky, _"Ohhh, I don't think so!"_ whispered in his ear-and then everything had been taken from him, his plot dismantled at the very last instant.

AGAIN!

Having made one last, desperate attempt to take the Kyuubi-rather, the host-he knew the fault lay with him, regardless of the unexpected interference. Furious with his old teacher, he had tried to grab the boy with his dojutsu and failed; his injuries and the outside intervention proving too much for him to properly grab hold of the whelp for anything more than a split second. Spirits, he didn't even know _where_ he was. He wasn't even entirely certain what'd happened. And if his mistake had somehow meddled with the seal, bungled it, somehow...released that energy...

Who knew where the boy might end up?

* * *

The Kyuubi yowled at its new confines and slammed against its cage in anger. It too realized that something was wrong, and with every fiber of its being it fought to escape the strange fate befalling it. Jaws snapped at the bars of its cage, claws clanking harshly, but to no avail.

It suddenly felt its power being drained, just as its Yin half had been. But this was no mere sapping of its strength. And it did not cease.

" **NO!"** it roared as its chakra was ripped from it, its body becoming little mor than a shriveled version of itself.

Upon the lock of the cage, the piece of paper with the kanji for _seal_ on it flew off and a spiral lock replaced it, closing tightly.

The large mass of chakra flew through the tiny boy's body and lit it a shining golden white.

Then it was flung...

 _...somewhere else._

* * *

 _(...In Another Realm Entirely...)_

* * *

Zirconis was bored.

Scratch that, he was far beyond the concept of mere boredom and descending well past into the realm of outright apathy. With each passing moment he felt his scales itch in agitation, bristling with anger and agitation, the latter of which he could do nothing about. This was nothing new of course. He'd lived in this valley for years, memorized its every nook and cranny. He'd never once raised his wings to fly since settling here. By now the lull had lengthened so long that the great Jade Dragon actually caught himself considering leaving his sanctuary altogether, if only to assuage the gnawing ache growing within his very soul.

Even if it meant death.

Venturing out of his carefully constructed hideaway meant almost certain doom; because Acnologia was out there. Somewhere in the world even now-searching for him. Ready to tear his soul out and swallow it whole. To end what he'd begun during their first battle so long ago. The very thought of it made the ancient dragon shudder. Cunning was his forte, not strength, and he did not relish the thought of facing the accursed creature again. It would take more than one dragon to best that monster. One would need an army. He wanted to believe that was safe here, in this era, his great magicks concealed by the natural protections of this valley. Secure. Surely that crazy bastard couldn't get him here.

But safety was so very _boring._

There.

Was.

Nothing.

To.

DO!

As much as Zirconis was loathe to admit it-especially to himself-his life had fallen into a routine over these years. Eat. Sleep. Stretch. Repeat. A neverending cycle broken by fleeting moments of introspection and the occasional fit of whimsy. He'd even taken to scribbling in the dirt. HIM! A dragon! Scratching nonsensical babbles in the dust to amuse himself like some...wine-adled buffoon! All because of that wretched upstart! He couldn't even hunt humans anymore without fear of being discovered! And the females were so delicious, too, especially once he'd stripped their clothes away!

Of course, if he discarded this great form and disguised himself as a human, he'd be able to have as many women as he saw fit-

No!

Absolutely not!

He refused to stoop to that!

To shed his scales and assume flesh was so...so...repulsive!

Zirconis clicked his teeth at the thought, a thin plume of smoke escaping his jaws.

"Just what am I doing here?" he growled, the sound like twin boulders grinding together. "What am I waiting for?"

He still didn't have the answer.

When one lived in the mountains, isolated from all else one swiftly learned to adapt. It was either live life of solitude or have his very soul ripped out of his body by that madman. Zirconis was rather fond of his body. He was a pervert and proud of it; just as he relished every scale on his hide, every scar a testament to his strength and cunning.

Proof of his superiority, in fact!

He took great pride in his flat skull and mighty jaws. His ears could hear the beating of wings leagues distant. With mighty four-fingered talons he could rend apart any who dared to oppose him. Or his thick taile, strong enough to level mountains. But it was his wings in which he took the most pride of all, for they served as a constant reminder that he was superior to all mankind, and high even among dragons. Between said wings lay a row of spikes travelling down his spine and well towards his deeply-scarred gut.

He'd been luckier than most.

While he might not be the most powerful of dragons, he was by far the most clever.

But all the wit in the past or future wouldn't save him if Acnologia got ahold of him again.

He'd been fortunate enough to escape that first time, but should there ever be a second, he would undoubtedly-

Just thinking of it made the old wounds ache. Those old, deep gouges etched into his hide by and from his short-lived battle with the so-called Dragon King. Some might consider them the signs of a coward, but Zirconis knew them for fools. These were the marks of a survivor, and he intended to survive a good many years yet. Assuming he didn't die of boredom. On one hand he supposed he should count himself lucky to be alive at all. Igneel an' the others hadn't fared that debacle with Acnologia. Dragon King Festival, bah!

Right crazy bastard, that.

"Bah, this is tiresome." the old dragon muttered, taping his scaly hide against a rocky crag. "I think I'll just take a nap...

He was just about to drift off into the sweet escape of slumber when something landed on his head.

It didn't so much hurt as it did annoy him; a sudden, sharp jostle against his head that tumble away seconds later. He thought nothing of it. T'was merely a stray pebble or some other harmless object. Nothing to lose sleep over. Wait a moment, did a pebble make _that_ much noise? No matter, it would be gone soon enough. Nothing in this valley was foolish enough to disturb him. When the noise grew louder, more persistent, a low snarl of irritation escaped his jaws, punctuated by a plume of smoke.

With a muffled snort, he raised his scaly head, wondering what had the audacity to disturb him from his slumber. The jaden scales of his skin sparkled as he left the shade and the sun struck them, casting a myriad of saffron gold across the stones of his nest. Zirconis contented himself to bask in the warmth of the sun for a moment, before he saw it.

Lifting his great bulk up off of his body off the ground, he cast it a withering stare.

"What have we here?" he grumbled. "Who dares disturb me?!"

Much to his surprise, it was a human. Not just any human, but a human infant, wrapped tight in a thin blanket, with only its head and mouth exposed. It was wailing loudly, the source of its distress evident, as it was alone, its parent nowhere to be seen. At once, it noticed him, the great and _angry_ dragon that loomed over it. Immediately, it quieted. Zirconis could not help but be amused by this.

"Where did you come from, little one?"

The infant turned wide eyes on him.

"Ba?"

"What kind of language is that?" the great dragon growled. "Are you mocking me?"

"Aba."

"Are you mocking me?!"

"Ba."

Of course, the child did not reply with words, he chided himself. He did not yet know the art of speech. Hooking the bundle in one claw, Zirconis freed the boy's arms, and gazed down at him intently. The boy, hardly a year old, gazed back at him, Curiosity brimming over in its sapphire blue eyes. Suddenly, it reached out to him with both of its tiny little arms. Indignant, the dragon dropped him and reared back on his hind legs. His wings stirred for the first time in an age, whipping at the wind. Not enough to blow the babe away, but just enough to startle it. Far from being terrified, the boy squealed in delight at the gentle breeze.

Zirconis scowled.

"Why are you laughing? You should be terrified!"

"ABABAH!"

The babe didn't seem to hear him, round blue eyes riveted as they were upon his wings. Watching them intently on the down-stroke, undeterred by the breeze. Baffled, the great dragon allowed the leathery appendages to droop, the great scaled membranes brushing the ground. He should've been frozen with fear. But he wasn't. If anything, he was oddly fixated on them, eerily so...

"Ha?"

When they came within reach of his mouth, the boy didn't hesitate.

CHOMP!

"Aaargh! You little brat!"

Zirconis jerked backwards in stark disbelief, physically unharmed, but the same could not be said for his ego. With that single gesture his ride lay in tatters. Bitten -startled, even!- by an infant! The gall! The humiliation! Had he really sunk so low as to be embarrassed by a human child?! But instead of destroying the cheeky little tyke outright, he found himsel

Hmm.

Was this a portend of fate, perhaps?

Yet this mortal had the nerve-the unmitigated gall!-to bite him!

"I am not food!"

The boy squealed once more and clapped his hands.

"Ba!"

"Stupid brat. Don't you know how to fear your betters?" Zirconis growled to himself, his scaly eyes briefly sliding shut as he exhaled. Once more, he honestly considered devouring the boy in recompense for his short-lived temerity, but decided against it. A human babe wouldn't make much of a meal and besides, he preferred women. What _was it_ with these humans? Why his kin had taken interest in a race that would only betray them had made no sense to him before, but now, looking down at this child before him, this boy, who knew neither right from wrong, who possessed no sense of fear, he felt a twinge of curiosity for it. Just a twinge. Enough to prevent him from squashing the infant flat.

Enough to make him curious.

Mayhaps he could make use of this boy, teach him his way...just a bit. At least until he could fend for himself. It might be fun to see what chaos a dragon-raised human would wreak on the world. At the very least, he could serve as a distraction from this infernal boredom. And maybe, just maybe, he might be able to make use of this whelp.

The thought drew a snaggle-toothed grin from him.

 _'Interesting! He wouldn't make much of a meal at any rate.'_

The mighty dragon yawned, his eyelids drooping suddenly. It was far too early in the morning to decide such consequential matter's. Who knew? The puny mortal might grow to amuse himself around the boy, Zirconis contented himself to sleep on the matter for now. He glowered down once more at the boy, just to be certain he hadn't crawled off somewhere, only to find said the child had already fallen fast asleep, snuggled against the warm scales of his tail.

"Bah. I don't even know why I'm bothering with you. But its better than being bored...

Closing his lids, Zirconis contented himself to slumber once more.

Any human, no matter how small, willing to bite him...

That alone might almost be worthwhile.

What could possibly go wrong?

 _How little he knew._

 **A/N: And there we go. Events are already spiralling out of control.** **Any and all ideas are welcome!**

 **So...in the immortal words Atlas...**

 **...Review, Would You Kindly? And of course, enjoy the previews! What madness awaits Naruto? Stay tuned to find out!**

 **(Preview)**

 _Magnolia was a lovely town, all things considered._

 _Even from a distance, one could marvel at its beauty._

 _A town teeming with life, home to one of the most powerful guilds the world over, ideal for colonization and expansion. People from all over the world gathered here, some to place requests, others to seek admittance to the ranks of Fairy Tail, and still others just to have a romping good time while they were young. In the summer, that made it downright pleasant, even. It might even make for an ideal vacation Naruto mused, once he'd had his fun. Unfortunately, as it was the home of severl S-Class mages already, he found himself wondering if his little prank would even be worth the risk._ _Eh, screw it._

 _Nothing ventured..._

 _...nothing gained, after all!_

 _Still, there was a certain rustic charm to it._

 _"That settles it! a pair of strong hands clapped._

 _The young man grinned shouldered his pack and struck a pose, fangs flashing in the afternoon sun._

 _"Hear me now, ladies of Magnolia!" he cried! "Prepare yourselves for the Dragon of Eros! Hide your coats! Guard your dresses! Lock up your undergarments! None shall be spared! Now, then..._

 _Naruto Uzumaki grinned._

 _...let's have some fun."_

* * *

 _"DID YOU SERIOUSLY JUST EAT-_

 _A hearty belch answered._

 _"Don't let the name fool ya. A lady's dress always tastes better than jade. Now then..._

 _Blue eyes burned green._

 _...I believe I owe you for the meal."_

 _That was all she heard before he opened his mouth and roared, spitting a volley of golden light._

 _When next she looked down her, clothes were nowhere to be seen._

 _"Kyah!"_

 _ **Hope ya liked it! R &R! =D**_


	2. Panty Raid

**A/N: This chapter just kept growing and growing and GROWING! I finally found a place to end it, and decided on a good portion for the next chapter.**

 **And DOH! Sorry for the messed up Author's note last chapter! I was on my way out the door and I forgot to correct it. You see, I don't have a doc manager on my computer and I use old documents to write new stuff. Its a good in between, but sometimes I forget to cut out old author's notes by accident and such. Ehehe, such is the way of things when you get so wrapped up in a story I suppose.**

 **But I fixed it, so we're all good!**

 **On another note, I'm headed to a wedding out of state soon, so I'll be gone for a few days. Hopefully this and my next few updates will be enough to tide you guys over.**

 **Also, Fairy Tail just dropped a major bomb in the manga and I'm thrilled with it! It plays right in with my story!**

 **Now, onto you're questions!**

 **Q: What kind of abilities can we expect to see from Naruto in this fic?**

 **A: The first half of this chapter explains that somewhat. Remember, though this is a humor story, Naruto's still the Dragon Slayer of Jade. Furthermore, its implied that ol' whiskers found a way to strength his abilities beyond the ken of normal dragon slayers. Anything cloth or armor related is basically fuel for him. He might not be the strongest, but he's awfully clever and has trained with other magic. Remember, he DOES have Kurama inside of him, still. I pity the fool who angers him.**

 **Q: What time period does this take place in? How old is Naruto at the start of this story?**

 **A: I'm about to reveal that in this chapter. Age-wise, now, he's in his late teens.**

 **Q: How smart is Naruto in this? Is he a shameless pervert, like Jiraiya?**

 **A: Clever enough to give Zeref himself a run for his money. And no, he's WORSE. You'll see.**

 **Q: What can we expect for pairings?**

 **A: A good deal! I wanted to make The Smith and the Knight a single fic, so when this was created, I decided on a harem to make up for things. Also because of Naruto's..antics in this story, to say the least. The request giver was fine with it, at any rate.**

 **Q: Wait, wait, wait! Dragons can assume human form?! Since when?**

 **A: As I said, this story takes some MINOR liberties with dragons. If Acnologia, a Dragon Slayer who became a dragon, can pop back to his human form whenever he wants, I see no reason why an all-powerful dragon like Zirconis couldn't do such a thing. I like to think its possible, we've just never seen it.**

 **Q: Can we expect to see Acnoliga and Zirconis fight again? Has the old-timer trained any?**

 **A: Remember, Zirconis is a wily old bastard and values mental strength over physical. He RAN from Acnologia, ergo, he didn't lose his soul or any of his power. He'll try to avoid an outright brawl of course, but should they meet again, Acnologia might be in for a nasty surprise. Who is to say a dragon can't surpass their limits?**

 **Q: Is Naruto a villain in this?**

 **A: I can see why the summary would leade you to believe that but no, he isn't. If anything, he's a chaotic neutral. This is a boy whose been raised by a dragon. A dragon who did NOT up and vanish like Igneel and the others, and now set loose in the world to do as he pleases. In other words...**

 **...all hell's about break loose.**

 **HAPPY HOLIDAYS!**

 _"You would do well to remember my name! I am Uzumaki Naruto, the Dragon of Eros!"_

 _...ha?"_

 _"And as of today, I declare a prank war on Fairy Tail."_

 _~Naruto's invasion of Magnolia._

 **Panty Raid**

"So you've made up your mind, pup?"

...yup."

Zirconis stifled a mighty yawn as he watched his pupil toss the last of his belongings into the sack and sling it over his shoulder; for a dragon slayer didn't need much, and the boy was much the same in that regard. He owned little more than the clothes on his back and some fresh meat he'd hunted for himself just this morning. It served as another painful reminder that the boy really was about to venture out on his own. To leave the relative safety of hidden valley for the very first time and go out into the world.

That...worried him, oddly enough.

The boy-Naruto, as he'd learned from the name stitched into his blanket-had taken to the training a little too well. He'd taken to calling himself the Dragon of Eros, much to Zirconis's dry amusement. A boy who thought he was a dragon. Now there was an interesting contrast. Over time he'd found he'd grown rather fond of the lad. He had grown from a distraction, to a pupil, then eventually-dare he admit it!-a son. Years flew by, and already he was a young man, itching to go out and make his mark on the world. As well he should, for all fledglings eventually longed to leave the nest and forge their own path.

Still, he was rather reluctant to see him go.

Having lavished no small amount of time and skill into his tutelage, he was confident the boy could handle himself if it came down to a fight. Zirconis knew all manner of spells and unusual magics, having borne them at the hands of humans long ago, and he'd endeavored to teach him each one. _That_ wasn't the problem. Should he allow Naruto to leave, he wasn't entirely certain the boy would ever come _back._ Oh, he knew the boy was clever to be sure, but he was also a wild and passionate creature, who at times didn't care for restraint, much less the meaning of it.

Creaking an eye open, the Dragon of Jade fixed his progeny with a rueful glare and inspected him thoroughly.

He'd grown.

As much as he might be loathe to admit it, the boy wasn't a whelp anymore. In place of that fearless infant nearly two decades past stood a young man who'd fought through trial and hardship both and become, strong and clever for it. Cheery blue eyes beamed back at him in merry disregard for his scars, a lone line running parallel across his visage, whiskered cheeks dimpling in a bright grin.

His outfit stood as another testament to his hard work, for his pupil wore a resplendent robe of green and blue with a flaring collar and small cape connecting the elbows. This particular treasure had been liberated-that is to say shamelessly filched-from a passing mage who'd strayed too close to their sanctuary and re-purposed to suit Zirconis's needs. The Jade Dragon had spent months in human form-with no end of pricked fingers!- etching all manner of enchantments into it in the form of runestones and other wards. His ward was wearing a walking fortress that only another Dragon Slayer had any hope of breaching.

A cloth of many colors indeed!

And apparently a tasty one at that.

It'd taken him ages to convince the boy not to eat his own clothing!

"Alright!" The young man shouldered his pack and flashed Zirconis a chipper smile. "Its been fun, old man. I'll be sure and check in on ya from time to time-

Zirconis twitched.

 _WHAP!_

A clawed hand descended mercilessly on the young man's head, driving him into the ground all the way up to his chin before he could take so much as a single step. It all happened so quickly that the boy hadn't even a second to react. For a fleeting moment the boy balked, unable to do anything other than blink. Then his face colored.

"What was that fer?!" Naruto squawked!

 _"That_ was for calling me old!"

"But you are, pops-

"NONSENSE!"

If there was one thing he absolutely couldn't stand, it was being reminded of his age. Already ancient even by draconian standards the great Dragon of Jade loathed being reminded about such things. In another century or two, well...best not to think about that. Physically resisting the urge to reach down and smack his pupil once again for the slip, he reached down and plucked the boy like a turnip and set him on his feet. Flushing with embarrassment, the boy swatted his massive hand away and hurriedly dusted himself off.

Zirconis reared back, wincing slightly.

 _Damn but the boy hit hard._

For all his talk of "The Art of Eros" the brat could still punch with best of them.

It warmed his young heart.

Because he wasn't old!

Not in the least!

"Do you have the map I gave you?" the dragon growled reluctantly, suddenly reminded that he was supposed to be seeing the boy off. "Remember, you're head to Magnolia Town. Its the largest settlement in the area, and it should serve as good training for you. Just remember to avoid any battle you can't win. You're no good to me dead."

Naruto puffed out his cheeks.

"You don't have to baby me, dad."

Zirconis sighed inwardly.

"Someone has to make sure you don't walk into another lake. You have a terrible sense of direction, after all."

"One time!"

"Oh? What about that incident when ye went east when I told you to go west."

"Okay, twice!" Naruto relented, grimacing. "But I didn't-

 _"Then_ there was that time with the brothel-

"Alright, alright, _alright!_ I suck when it comes to directions! Will you shut up already?!"

An awkward beat of silence pushed itself between them at that, and both regretted it immediately.

Disconcerted by the faint look of consternation on the young man's visage, Zirconis decided to abandon his course of questioning and shed his draconic form, thusly lowering himself to his progeny's level. Even now the effort of compressing his power into a human shell was no mean feat, and even he was only able to perform such a feat because he was weaker than most dragons. It came with a painful popping of bones and no small amount of pain on his part, his scales and tail receding, wings shrinking to a more manageable size.

"Gah," he grunted as his teeth twisted in his mouth, "I forgot how painful this was!"

Naruto stiffened.

"Wait, what are ya doing...?"

In his human form Zirconis's body looked nothing like his true self; instead assuming the guise of a pale, muscular human with odd draconian features. Slittled green eyes and wild emerald hair jutting out in a curtain of sharp, spikes from his scalp. Had he been versed in such things he would've realized that this form strongly resembled that of a certain would-be God Slayer. But that was neither here nore there. In this body his power writhed and twisted, the simplest of gestures threatening to explode with overwhelming might and force.

With this thought in mind he carefully extended a large hand with the utmost of care, and laid it on the lad's head.

"I am proud of you, my boy."

The Great Dragon of Jade took a small measure of pride in the blond's double-take.

"You are?"

"Indeed!" he declared, flashing the baffled boy a grin. "Now go forth, my child! Show the world of man what it is to be a dragon! Roar! Laugh! Eat! Drink and make merry! Live! And most of all...

Naruto tilted his head.

"Most of all?"

Zirconis gripped the boy by both shoulders and leaned forward, the better by which to ingrain the importance of these words into his student.

 _"Be sure and build yourself a harem."_

The whiskered blond blinked.

"What's a harem?"

Zirconis merely smiled.

Clever the boy might be, but in some aspects he remained dense as a sack of hammers. Ah, well. The amusement lay in having the boy figure that out for himself. Even for all his skill and power, he expected to see him bumble and fail several times before he truly learned the meaning of those word.

"Why don't you go and find out?"

"Sure thing!" the dragon slayer grinned, flashing him a thumb's up. "It'll be the best panty raid ever!"

 _'Wait, what?'_

Before he could ask what his progeny meant by _that,_ the boy laughed and sped off in the opposite direction, leaving the transmuted dragon to eat his dust.

Literally.

"Ha!" coughing, the old lizard resumed his former shape and gave himself a mighty shake. "Well, there he goes. I almost feel sorry for the world. Wonder what he meant by that last bit...

There had been something quite wrong with his smile just now, Zirconis knew. Yet he was powerless to change it. That grin of his was bright, and pure, yet...unhinged. As if something had broken deep inside him. When you raised someone as a dragon it was only natural. Naruto's upbringing was so far out of the ordinary to begin with; already, it was something of a miracle that he'd merely become a perverted prankster, rather than a murderous psychophant like other dragon slayers. Then there was that power locked deep inside of him. A power Zirconis didn't truly understand.

Someone-or something-was trapped in his heart of hearts. And it wanted out.

The same "thing" that had nearly taken his right eye so long ago.

Naruto's very presence seemed to inspire others, and not always in a good way. Perhaps it was a side effect of his dragon slayer magic mixing with that fell presence sleeping deep within him. Even how, he didn't truly understand it. It might have been a curse or even a blessing inflicted on him when he was born. Zirconis wasn't entirely sure if the boy was aware of it himself or the effect he had on humans as a whole; the ability to draw others to his way of thinking. For someone whose heart lay stained in darkness, they might begin to question their motives. To rethink their actions and tread back from the shadows, towards the light.

If it had been just that, then Zirconis wouldn't have deemed it a danger.

But the pendulum swung both ways.

For one firmly on the side of good the effect proved more subtle and less insidious, his presence sometimes had no effect at all, beyond that of lowering one's inhibitions. Make them less restrained. More emotional. That was a problem, especially when one considered just how emotional humans could be. He had no control over the radius Thankfully it held absolutely effect on dragonkin or those taught by them, but all told it was a dangerous ability, dwarfed only by the unknown creature sleeping inside him.

And in the rare instances when he was truly angered...

...that temper of his proved a dangerous thing, indeed.

It was why he'd been so determined to teach him.

Ah well, it shouldn't be a problem in any case.

After all, those clothes of his weren't just for protection; they served a dual purpose. Not only did they shelter him from the eyes of other dragons, but if it push came to shove, Zirconis could easily use his own spells to follow the boy, the spell and use it to keep a weather eye on him while he slept. Not that he deemed it necessary. He was strong and sharp as the keenest blade and thrice as deadly. He should be fine so long as he took care to stay out of Acnologia's path.

Unless he picked a fight with the wrong mage and got an ass-kicking.

 _Ha!_

The boy needed one.

Hopefully someone would do just that.

It was the only way he could become stronger.

He might even find himself a woman.

Perhaps even several.

Hmm.

Zirconis chortled softly to himself as he laid down to sleep, a wry grin tugging at his toothy maw. If the brat brought back a woman...well, it would be interesting to say the least. A fine way to thumb his nose up at that damn Acnologia. He found himself almost relishing such a thought. And in time, the Dragons would rise again. And their so-called Dragon King couldn't do a thing about it.

Now _that_ was a strangely pleasant idea, indeed.

In the end he let slumber take him and shadowed his apprentice in his dreams.

* * *

 _(Millions of Miles Away...)_

* * *

Acnologia stifled a mighty sneeze and shot a dark glower to the heavens.

The sky for its part, remained cheerfully silent, clouds and all.

Growling angrily, the apocalypse dragon laid back down.

Even then he couldn't escape the niggling doubt.

"Why do I feel like I've just been had?"

* * *

 _(...Some Time Later...)_

* * *

Magnolia was a lovely town, all things considered.

Even from a distance, one could marvel at its beauty.

A town teeming with life, home to one of the most powerful guilds the world over, ideal for colonization and expansion. People from all over the world gathered here, some to place requests, others to seek admittance to the ranks of Fairy Tail, and still others just to have a romping good time while they were young. In the summer, that made it downright pleasant, even. It might even make for an ideal vacation Naruto mused, once he'd had his fun. Unfortunately, according to what Zirconis had told him, it was the home of several S-Class mages already. He found himself wondering if his little prank would even be worth the risk.

Eh, screw it.

Nothing ventured...

...nothing gained, after all!

Still, there was a certain rustic charm to it.

Naruto found he'd made rather good time; at a dead spring, it only took him roughly thirty minutes to reach the illustrious town. Fairy Tai. Supposedly it was one of the greatest guilds in all of Fiore. Well, there was also Phantom Lord, but something about the name rubbed him the wrong way. No, fairies sounded far more interesting than a bunch of ghastly ghosts. He had never liked the idea of spirits at any rate. For some reason they just rubbed him the wrong way. Besides, Fairy Tail had more ladies than Phantom Lord.

In all honesty, he was rather curious on that point.

Zirconis had taken him out into the world a number of times, but never for long. A brief incursion here, a quick expedition across the continent, there. Never for more than a day and always in his human form. Then the old dragon had finally broken down one warm afternoon and brought him to a brothel two years before. Not to conduct "business", because the old-timer was rather strict about that sort of thing, but to look. To see. To make him aware of the fairer sex. It was then that Naruto's fascinations with women truly began. More aptly, with wizards. Even now, he still didn't entirely understand what drew him to them, only that something did.

If the old man was to be believed, their clothes were _extra_ tasty.

Naruto longed to find out if that was true.

"That settles it!"

Clapping his hands, the young man grinned shouldered his pack and struck a pose, fangs flashing in the afternoon sun.

Planting his right foot forward, the dragon slayer loosed a mighty roar.

"Hear me now, ladies of Magnolia!" he cried! "Prepare yourselves for the Dragon of Eros! Hide your coats! Guard your dresses! Lock up your undergarments! None shall be spared!"

When no one raised an alarm, he took that as another sign.

The universe was _telling_ him to wreak havoc here.

"Now then, where should I start?"

Naruto Uzumaki grinned merrily and closed his eyes, letting his senses drift outwards to the town below. He cast his senses out like a net, searching for strong signs of magical energy. He didn't have to wait long. There were a great many mages in Magnolia, and any one of them would suit his needs just fine. Still, he found himself being fickle and ignoring some-forsaking others entirely. If he was going to play a prank then it better be a damned good one, or there was no point in even trying. But on who-

The answer came to him a moment later.

"Over there, huh?"

Then he _leaped._

* * *

 _(...Meanwhile...)_

* * *

Mirajane shuddered.

"Why did I feel a chill just now? Probably just my imagination...

Shouldering her groceries, she hefted one onto her hip and continued on her way down the street. Warm rays of sunlight beat down on her pale shoulders as she walked, a pleasant testament to the summer afternoon. Alas, her heart wasn't feeling entirely warm at the moment.

The guild felt so empty these days with everyone often out on jobs of their own, so for once, she had taken it upon herself to do a bit of shopping. With Master busy, someone had to make certain they were still stocked up on essential provisions. Someone had to do the cooking and cleaning, because no one else knew how. These days Erza seemed more obsessed with her cakes than any real cooking and Natsu's only talent seemed to be boiling water. Gray wasn't much better. Then there was Cana and her alcohol fixation. Their newest member, Lucy, might well turn out to be a fine chef in time, given some proper lessons, but still...

...well, if she and the others made it home from Galuna Island in once piece, she supposed the time for said lessons would come. Of course, none of this would have happened if Laxus had bothered to stop Natsu in the first place and not acted like a complete and utter-

 _'Down, girl!'_

Mira sighed, shaking off that dark thought.

There was just so much to do!

And yet, none of it felt _meaningful._

Wouldn't it be nice to go out once in awhile?

Take on a new job, brave new dangers, go somewhere exciting!

Sometimes Mira missed that life, but no, her place was here in the guild. Fairy Tail had plenty of skilled mages these days, more than strong enough to fend off their enemies. There was no need for her strength. It wasn't that she _minded_ per se, it was just...it all became terribly tedious after awhile. Where was the action? Where was the _excitement?_ Watching Natsu and Gray brawl proved entertaining from time to time-as did the antics of her fellow guild-mates, but it sometimes it just seemed so _mundane._

These days she felt like she was climbing the walls just trying to find something to do at all...

Surely, a little chaos wouldn't hurt.

Surely a bit of excitement wouldn't be so bad?

It might even give her a change to tangle with Erza again...

 _Ack!_

Realizing her devious train of thought, the takeover mage stopped short and ruthlessly, _successively_ smacked her forehead against a nearby post until her ears rang. Well, that was a mistake. Her thoughts clamored all the louder and now all she had to show for her troubles was a headache! Traitorous little ideas skittered in the back of her brain like poisonous spiders, sinking their fangs into her every inkling and staining everything a surprisingly pleasant shade of rebellious red. They refused to vanish, no matter how hard she sought to dislodge them.

Perhaps a night out wouldn't be so bad, after all.

"Bad Mira." she chided herself, idly biting her thumb. "Bad girl. You know you're not supposed to think like that anymore!"

As if summoned by that very thought, a sharp, lilting laugh filled the air, punctuated by a blast of hot smoke.

Moments later, a dismayed voice rang out above her.

"Stop! Thief!"

Startled, she turned toward the source, just in time to witness the destruction of a nearby vendor's stall. It didn't so much as explode as it did cease to exist, obliterated by a streak of blue and green. Whomever had been doing the shouting squawked and took cover and then there was no more of that.

"This town is awesome!" a young man's laugh ripped through the muggy afternoon. "So many people! So much to eat! Why didn't I come here sooner?!"

In the next instant, a burst of motion snapped towards her.

He stuck out like a sore thumb, all things considered.

Bright blue eyes framed by shocking blond hair and whiskered cheeks, the latter masking a cheery grin. Even in terms of clothing he was impossible to miss, jarring shades of green and blue that seemed to ripple before her eyes when she stared at them overlong. For his part, the thief didn't seem to notice her until it was almost too late, nearly colliding with her in his haste. At the last instant he somehow caught sight of Mirajane, and, without bothering to stop, swept both hands forward, arms bent at the elbows. Blue eyes widened in alarm.

"Look out!"

And her world upended.

For a fleeting moment Mirajane Strauss felt only the wind on her face, hair in her eyes, and the curious absence of gravity. Then momentum-alongside someone else!-caught her and she shot forwards. A strong, steady heartbeat thudded against her hear, pounded out a quaint, calm rhythm. Even with all this, it took the infamous "She-Devil" a full fifteen seconds to realize she'd literally been _swept off her feet_ by the stranger, leaving her groceries to fall to the wayside as she was swiftly and violenty ferried away. Carried like a princess, no less!

Pale cheeks darkened a rose red.

"W-What are you doing?!" the words tumbled out of her in a shout, struggling to make itself heard over the wind summoned by his speed. For his part the young man scarcely seemed to notice her shock, of if he did he did precious little to show it.

When Mirajane finally began to struggle and make her displeasure known however, he dug his feet into the street and ground his momentum to a halt, sending them skidding in a stuttering stop near the eastern part of town. A curtain of dust assailed her all at once as the wind caught up with them, blasting her hair backwards. She knew not how much ground they'd covered, only that her head was still spinning.

The stranger must have noticed; because was quick to set her down.

"Oops," the blond apologized, sheepishly scratching at the back of his head. "Sorry about that. You were kinda in the way, and I didn't want to run ya over."

Mirajane could only manage a nod.

This close she found she could make out his more prominent features, that messy mop of spiky blond hair, those whiskered cheeks and startling blue eyes. And those teeth. They reminded her of Natsu's, in a sense. But surely this young man couldn't be...

"Ahem!" the young man coughed sharply, suddenly, capturing her attention once more. "Right, then! Pardon me miss," he continued with a genteel bow, "I know we just met and all, but my name's Naruto. If its not too much of a bother, might I trouble you to...

Mirajane tilted her head, expecting a simple inquiry.

What came next utterly demolished that hope.

 _...see your panties?"_

Now to be fair, there were very few things in the world that could make Mirajane blush these days. She'd seen-and sometimes said!-a great many things in her part to be fazed by everyday events. Ever since Lisanna's death she'd worked hard to quash her more negative emotions-and as of an unexpected result her magic power. Resolved to become a kinder person and put her old, wild, belligerent persona behind her. But the sheer incredulity of the young man's remark took her quiet serenity and dashed it against the rocks of her disbelief. Her face burned rose red, a stark contrast to her brilliant white hair.

 _...what?"_ she managed eloquently.

"Well, my old man tells me they taste delicious." the young man grinned, utterly unaware of her growing wrath. "You _are_ Mirajane, right? Do you think you could spare a pa-

CRUNCH.

Mirajane blinked quickly as a distant building collapsed dust across the way.

Then another.

And another.

 _Another._

Lowering her arm stiffly, the ex-mage finally comprehended her actions; just as she realized the baffling blond was nowhere to be seen. Of course he wasn't. She'd slugged him full on, delivered a hard right hook to his face. There had been no conscious thought on her part; her body simply moved. A few years ago, such a punch would have leveled an entire city block. Now? Without so much as a drop of magical power behind it, and without that monstrous strength? Well...

"Owowowow! Why did I _do_ that?!"

Hissing in pain, the "Demon" bent double to clutch at her now swollen hand.

"I'll say!" A rough laugh greeted her. "You nearly blew me away, there!"

To her disbelief, a flash of green and blue appeared in her peripherals.

Then she caught sight of a bit of cloth in his hand.

At first glance it wasn't much more than a bit of black lace clutched in his hand. Upon closer inspection she realized it wasn't merely lace but rather a bit of underwear with straps-straps connected to a familiar bra. Her mind refused to recognize it...at first. Where had he gotten that? In the rubble? No, that didn't make any sense. Why would someone's undergarments be in the rubble? Now that she thought of it, her girls did feel rather-

 _No._

"I...you...how...when...?!"

Naruto waved his prize like a proud hunter.

"Turnabout is fair play!"

Mira's brain failed.

Ceased.

To.

Function.

 _"Kyah!"_

Her arms pinwheeled wildly, snapping to her breasts beneath her dress. Sure enough, where her bra _should_ have been. But it wasn't. The lingerie Naruto was currently waving about like a banner. When had he done that?! When she'd punched him? How?! She hadn't even felt him get her undergarments! On some level, she respected the insane amount of _sheer speed_ it must have taken to lift her undergarments during her brief bout of rage, much less without her noticing. The rest of her was just plain mortified and she said as much!

"Give that back!"

"Nope!" Naruto laughed, leaping away when she tried-and summarily failed-to make a grab at him. "I'm hungry!

"Wait, what do you mean you're hun-

Before her very eyes the dragon slayer tilted his head back and proceeded to make good on his words. He simply _devoured_ the bras as though it were bread, using his sharp teeth to make short work of the thin lace. If she hadn't known better by the sounds he was making she would've thought he was actually enjoying it. Maybe he was.

"Pervert!"

Blue eyes glinted wickedly.

"Maybe I am. Whatcha gonna do about it? Gonna punch me again?"

It was exactly the wrong thing to say.

For the first time in years, Mira's anger slipped its leash.

"You!"

"Me?"

It never once occurred to her that the blond might be baiting her. That he was deliberately _trying_ to make her angry. Her power had always been tied to her more powerful emotions; passion, sorrow, wrath. The latter crashed over her now in a red wave of righteous rage locked within a fit of feminine fury _and_ for a moment-just a second-a sliver of eternity, a flicker of her old power came rushing back. Then more. More. MORE. The strength she'd all but forgotten over the last few years heralded its triumphant return in that fit of pique, a black magic circle howling to life overhead.

Her eyes darkened, narrowed to murderous slits as the dark power continued to rise around her.

She wasn't the only one aware of it, however.

To Naruto's eyes, Mirajane's body seemed to warp and twist before him, sprouting demonic wings and claws as her red dress melted away. He recognized the technique from one of the books Zirconis had foisted on him in his younger years. This was a Take-Over and an especially rare one at that. Satan Soul. The one standing before him was no longer human, but something else entirely, and his blood sang at the thought. Oh, it would have been the simplest thing to attack her before she completed the spell, but a thorn of pride pricked him and held him back.

One simply did not attack someone while they were transforming, after all.

"So, are you just going to scream all day, or are we going to fight?"

In a flicker of motion, she vanished.

Naruto allowed himself a laugh.

"Well its about ti-UGACH!"

Blue eyes snapped to the east a millisecond too late; then her clenched knuckles barreled into the side of his face, dislocating his jaw and sending him skipping across the street like a flung stone. To Mira's disbelief the blond didn't resist as he violently tumbled away from her, seemingly uncaring even as his back skidded a bloody red trench across the street until momentum finally ground him to a halt. That disbelief increased tenfold when the battered blond simply sat up, popped his jaw back in, and started laughing. His arms rose slowly, clapping, commending her for the surprise attack.

"THERE WE GO!" he crowed, climbing to his feet with the casual ease of one who'd had plenty of experience being knocked down, "I knew there was something special about you! Why would you hide power like this?! Doesn't it feel good to let loose?"

 _It did._

Mirajane tried to hush _that_ traitorous little whisper as she rushed at him again, but it refused to be silenced. Naruto met her grin with one of his own and refused to flinch. He ducked her tail when it swept out toward his face and caught her fist in his with ease; first the right then the left. Fingers locked around claws and held tight, forcing Mirajane's savage assault to stall-locking them into a deadlock. Her knee shot out and his snapped up to counter, sparks skittering between them. She shrieked at him and he roared back, demon and dragon alike professing their mutual dislike for one another.

And it felt good.

Naruto's laughter spoke volumes to it.

"Are we having fun, Mirajane?!"

"I've been having fun since we started, Naruto!"

She couldn't lie to herself any longer; it felt _wonderful_ to drive her forehead into his face, to see him flinch from the pain and stagger away. To hear him grunt as she caught him by the head and flung him down, to pummel him into the ground. To wrestle with him for dominance, to feel the street crater beneath her, to exert her old strength against his in a battle of pure power...it was all coming back! A thrill of excitement! She wanted-no, _needed_ to win this fight, though she could not bring herself to understand why. There was only the battle the need, the drive to win and-

"Well," he remarked suddenly, "It seems we're out of time."

A fist slid between Mira's ribs when she tried to press down on him for a crippling blow, physically lifting her several inches into the air and driving the breath from her lungs. In that brief moment of inattention Naruto sprang back and found his footing once more.

Scowling, she lunged at him anew-

-and her power faded.

Her newfound strength abandoned her all at once, leaving her to stumble to her knees.

"I don't...what...?"

"Your body isn't used to wielding that kind of power anymore." Naruto's voice sang overhead. "I thought it was obvious, but you really didn't know?"

Mirajane refused to acknowledge that.

Equal parts shame and disbelief warred within her. Shame for enjoying the battle and-however briefly-reverting to her old self, and disbelief that she'd been bested so handily. Naruto didn't even looked winded, save for a growing bruise on the corner of his face. If anything, he seemed fresh as a daisy, ready and willing to end their battle.

"Are you going to finish me off?"

"In a sense."

Frowning, the young man narrowed his eyes and clapped his hands sharply.

"Dragon Slayer Secret Art!"

Mirajane braced herself for the end.

A sudden breeze between her legs was her only warning.

 _"Panty Raid!"_

Then Naruto hefted his latest prize high, the black fabric waving in the wind.

"Ta-da!"

Before her eyes he rolled it up into a ball, tossed it into his mouth, chewed, and swallowed.

"Wonderful! I didn't except them to taste so good! Mage clothes really are the best!"

She balked at him.

"DID YOU SERIOUSLY JUST EAT-

A hearty belch answered.

"Don't let the name fool ya. A lady's undergarments always tastes better than jade. Now then...

Blue eyes burned green.

...I believe I owe you for the meal."

That was all she heard before he opened his mouth and _roared,_ spitting a volley of golden light towards the drained mage. Flailing, Mirajane desperately flung up her hands before her in an attempt to ward off the blast, fully expecting to feel vicious burns blossom along the length of her arms. It never came.

There was no pain.

When next she looked down, her clothes were nowhere to be seen.

"Kyah!"

Dropping to her knees, Mirajane frantically covered herself, to no avail. She felt just as she looked; naked, exposed, utterly vulnerable with no escape in sight.

"Who are you?!"

The young man flashed a roguish grin.

"I already told ya my name, but I guess I forgot...

A hand thumbed up her chin, pressing warm lips to her forehead.

"You would do well to remember me. I am Uzumaki Naruto, the Dragon of Eros!"

...ha?"

"And as of today, I declare a prank war on Fairy Tail."

Mirajane blinked. It was all she could think to do.

"...come again?"

Naruto beamed.

"Not today! Ninja vanish!"

Then he vanished in a plume of smoke.

Leaving Mirajane to clutch at the tattered scraps of her pride.

Unfortunately for her, or fortunately as some might choose to disagree...

 _...this was only the beginning._

 **A/N: And there we go. Naruto declaring a mad war on Fairy Tail...of the most perverted sort, and events are already spiraling out of control.** **Any and all ideas are welcome!**

 **So...in the immortal words Atlas...**

 **...Review, Would You Kindly? And of course, enjoy the previews! What madness awaits Naruto? Stay tuned to find out!**

 **(Preview)**

 _Naruto clicked his tongue and picked a bit of black metal out of his teeth._

 _Then, impossibly, he smiled._

 _"Okay, your purgatory armor tastes...FANTASTIC! The texture! The flavor! It was absolutely sublime!"_

 _Erza squawked._

 _"Just what kind of mage are you!? Are you my natural enemy or something?!"_

* * *

 _Natsu's jaw dropped._

 _"Whaddya mean your dad's a dragon?!"_

 _Naruto blinked._

 _"Wait, you mean yours is, too?"_

 _A poor choice of words._

* * *

 _Acnologia was not pleased._

 ** _"I am not amused."_**

 _He said as much._

 _He was not pleased to find another living dragon in the world, and he was even less pleased to be laughed at. For that was exactly what the old jade dragon was doing; a great rolling guffaw that shook both heaven and earth, rattling the very valley itself with sheer mirth._

 _"Go ahead. Try to kill me. I dare ye."_

 ** _"Have you lost your mind, Jade Dragon?"_**

 _Zirconis laughed again, crooking a cracked claw._

 _"I said COME, youngster! This outcome won't be the same!"_

 _Then the ancient dragon whalloped him so hard he saw stars._

 _ **Hope ya liked it! R &R! =D**_


	3. Red as a Rose

**A/N: So. It seems game of Thrones may have accidentally leaked another episode. Go figure.**

 **On another note,** **I can't believe Fairy Tail actually ended. Also! WHAT THE HELL?! I won't say what I was hoping for, but the ending left me both satisfied and at the same time IMMEASURABLY annoyed. I think we all know why. Godspeed Fairy Tail, you had a good run!**

 **Okay, okay, okay! I was gone for awhile. But I can explain that in two words.**

 **Persona. Five.**

 **Dear lord that game was bloody addicting! It also gave me a helluva inspiration!**

 **Now, onto your questions!**

 **Q: What can we expect for pairings?**

 **A: A small harem at most, double-paring at least.**

 **Q: Doesn't Naruto seem a bit...warped in this?**

 **A: Well the boy was raised by a dragon, after all. He doesn't really understand what it means to have friends. He's terribly clever in some aspects, but horribly naive in others. I suppose you could say these pranks of his are his way of trying to get attention. That and he really, really, REALLY likes to fight.**

 **Q: Is Laxus going to be victim of Naruto's pranks? Because I want to see that bastard knocked down a few pegs.**

 **A: Naruto's going to target him as well, yes. But as he said, he prefers the ladies.**

 **Q: Can we to see Kurama make his debut soon?**

 **A: In a sense he already has. You've just yet to see it.**

 **Q: Is Naruto going to kill Fairy Tail?**

 **A: WHAT?! Why would he...why would he even do that to them?! Prank the hell out of them, sure, but kill?! He has absolutely ZERO reason to want such a thing!**

 **Now, once again...**

 **...all hell's about break loose.**

 **Minor crossover references here and there! I look forward to you guys finding them =D**

 **HAPPY UPDATE YEARS!**

 **Brace yourselves, because all HELL breaks loose...**

 **Also, folks have voted its a touch too soon to see Acnologia soooo he'll be popping up a bit later =D**

 _"I AM THE ETERNAL PERVERT! BOW BEFORE ME! THE POWER OF EROS COMPELS YOU!"_

 _...I'm not even going to dignify that with a response."_

 _"Doesn't that count as one, though?"_

 _"Damnit!"_

 _~Dragon of Eros and ?_

 **Red as a Rose**

 _"Hmm...maybe I overdid it a little?"_

In hindsight, Naruto wondered if he had.

Perhaps storming Magnolia Town and picking a fight with the first mage he encountered _could_ be considered overkill. Challenging the "Demon" herself to a brawl? Possibly. Tearing up the town...hmm. Slightly more so. Devouring her underwear and eradicating every scrap of her clothing alongside her dignity? _Definitely._ Not that he regretted those actions of course. Not at all. The concept of restraint was a foreign thing to him indeed; although he knew what the _ideals_ of decency and decorum were meant to impart, the idea of pitying someone in a fight simply didn't make a lick of sense to him. If he something was going to be done, best for it to be done the first time around without leaving room regret. Not only had he left Mirajane unharmed, but he'd done so in a way to make her want to better herself; if only to avoid being humiliated again. She'd even live to fight another day. By dragon rights he'd won, and handily at that.

So why did he feel so uneasy?

Like an itch he couldn't scratch, he found himself growing more and more restless with each passing moment until it was all he could do just to sit still. Their brawl, short-lived as it was, had proven immensely satisfying for him. Thrilling even. It sang to him on a primal level, one he didn't truly understand. Different from his short-lived spars with Zirconis. His mentor/father figure was ever an insurmountable wall to him; one he couldn't seem to scale no matter how hard he tried. This was different. He'd bested the Demon of Fairy Tail with ease and emerged victorious. Yet it felt as though _he_ had been the one to lose.

For the first time in his life he was...

 _...unsatisfied._

Why?

The campfire offered no answers for him, only vague warmth.

"Wonder if they got my challenge yet...?"

It'd proved been tricky work, hiding that letter in Mirajane's hair without her noticing. Perhaps his greatest yet. Contained within was a declaration of war in all but name. Rudimentary perhaps, but it would do. Longing to stir up events was one thing, but to actually pick a fight with the premier guild in Fiorre...that would make you a legend. Legends enjoyed life, right?

That...had been hours ago.

Still, he knew he'd pulled it off.

So why wasn't anything happening?!

"Tch," Naruto ground his teeth in quiet annoyance as he gazed into the flickering flames, "I'm hundred percent certain she's made it back to the guild by now, so why...aaargh!" His hands clenched involuntarily, biting deep into the wood. "I want to fight her again! But I can't just rush them in the middle of the night! I'd get my ass kicked! Even I'm not that crazy! Maybe she'll come to me?" Throwing his head back and his arms up, he threw himself back onto the grassy hill and issued a defiant cry to the night. "Damnit! So frustrating! Why can't it be morning already?!"

Only crickets answered.

Having already depleted the meager funds he'd been allotted he'd taken up residence on a hill overlooking Magnolia out of sheer boredom and for lack of anywhere else to go. It wasn't uncomfortable by any means; he'd caught himself a brace of rabbits for dinner and roasted them over a fire spawned by his magic. He couldn't ask for a finer meal or a better view/ He wasn't yet desperate enough to try and abscond with a room for himself mind you, our cheery blond preferred the outdoors. There was a certain beauty here you couldn't find in a crowded town or city.

 _'Beauty, huh?'_

Admittedly, some of his motives were somewhat...less than pure in that regard.

Was it wrong to pick up girls in a guild? He wondered if it was.

There was certainly something to be said for trying.

He wanted more than this.

Whereas Acnologia might be a dragon of "Demise" Naruto very much considered himself one of "Life". Zirconis had been adamant in his instruction; he was never to kill another, unless absolutely necessary. Indeed it had never occurred to him that he might be capable of going beyond that, nor had he the desire to do such a thing. To quote a certain wise man, nothing worth having is easily attained. Sometimes you must fight for what is yours-and what you believe inn. It is not one's outward brawn, bur rather one's inner strength, that makes them mighty.

He wasn't out to destroy the world, after all.

Hell, he didn't even want to save it.

He just wanted to enjoy life.

To find some meaning.

Resigning himself to a sleepless night the dragonslayer sprawled out against the hill, silently contemplating the heavens. As the minutes crawled by and the insidious pull of slumber grew ever stronger, he slowly began to realize they weren't going to answer his challenge anytime soon. Not tonight at the very least, and he'd only wear himself down by staying awake. He'd been simple enough with the terms. Even included a threat, as Zirconis had taught. Not that he'd actually go that far, but of course, they didn't know that, unless _they_ knew _he_ knew, which meant they _did_ know and planned to call his bluff...?

"Ah, fuck it." he yawned, annoyed by the rambling thought. "Too much thinking. I'll pay 'em a visit in the morning. Wonder who it'll be...

Sleep found him moments later.

* * *

 _(...Meanwhile, in Magnolia...)_

* * *

"So. Let me get this straight.. _.he ate your clothes?"_

Mirajane forced herself to nod.

"All of them?"

Another pained nod.

"Even your...your...

Mirajane moaned softly into her hands.

"Stop, stop, stop! Don't say it! Don't you dare!" The whitehead seemed to shrink in on herself. "Its nothing to get angry about really-oh."

Mira saw it coming then late; those fine lines of anger etching themselves into the redhead's stern visage. Even now, a muscle jumped in Erza's jaw. It was then that she realized her old friend was well past the point of being talked down from her course of action. Not anger at her mind you, anger at the injustice done to her. Mirajane had the sinking suspicion Naruto would do the same to her, should she confront him. Embarrassment aside, she had no desire to see one of her closest friends injured. Worse, Erza didn't seem to have heard a word she'd said.

 _...underwear?"_ this last part emerged as a strangled squawk.

Mirajane nodded a third and final time, coloring to the very roots of her hair, a stark blush overtaking her pale face as she struggled to avert her eyes from the prying gaze of her guildmates. Bad enough that she had all but been forced to run back to the guild in next to _nothing_ , but then there was the letter she'd found on her person. She didn't even know where the damn thing had come from in the first place or where it could have been hidden on her personage. It was simply... _there_ tangled up in her hair by the time she arrived at the mere thought of the indignities she'd suffered was more than enough to bring on a crushing migraine.

The letter's contents certainly didn't help matters:

 _To the Fiends of Friendship otherwise known as Fairy Tail,_

 _It has come to my attention that you lot think you've got the strongest mages around. I take exception to that. So this is me, throwing down the proverbial gauntlet. Send me your strongest mage, I don't care who! I'll be waiting in the town square. You have until morning to answer._ _As I don't rightly know what friendship is, you're free to respond to my challenge as you see fit, but if you don't..._

 _Well, I think you get the idea._

 _Send me your best! Send me your strongest!_

 _By the way, tell the "Demon" to bring her "A" game next time._

 _Looking forward to a good brawl,_

 _~Naruto._

Erza's armored fist clenched around the letter with bone-crushing force, rendering the parchment little more than tattered scraps on the guild floor. That same hand went for her the hilt of her sword half a heartbeat later. Mirajane thought she might draw it and go on a rampage but alarmingly, she didn't. She even expected some sort of explosion to follow but again, nothing happened. Instead Erza took her hand from the blade and stormed out of the guild in silence, scowling into the night. Oh, dear. She knew that look.

This was all his fault!

Not hers!

HIS!

Mirajane grit her teeth as muscle jumped in her jaw, a dark aura bleeding into existence around her shoulders.

"I'm going to kill him, I'm going to kill him, I AM GOING TO KILL HIM!"

Macao tilted his head, considering.

"Wait, does that mean we've got the old Mira back or-

A loud crunch followed.

Wakaba flinched.

"Well, guess she answered that question...

* * *

 _(...Early The Next Morning...)_

* * *

 _The dawn came in the form of a scarlet sunrise._

Almost ironic, really.

Rising as a blood red disk to the east of Magnolia, the great fiery orb warily peeked over the town with great hesitation and reluctance, as though it were somehow afraid of being caught up in the battle to come. One might even be forgiven for thinking it anxious, Naruto mused. He certainly was, and in the best sort of way. Even now the fingers of his right hand wriggled madly, forcing him to clutch at his wrist in order to prevent the stubborn limb from lashing out and wreaking havoc. Having spent the better part of last night in dreamless slumber he'd roused himself hours ago, ready and rearing to fight. It was the _waiting_ that threatened to drive him to distraction. Nearly an hour was lost to him already and _still_ his opponent hadn't shown.

Curiosity could only sustain a man for so long.

"C'mon now," he yawned as he reclined against the shuttered door of a yet-unopened-shop, "What's a guy gotta do for a fight around here?" What else was there to do? He had several pranks planned already, but they all hinged on the outcome of today's fight. It never occurred to him to care who his opponent was; he simply longed for a good clash. Secretly, he hoped for a rematch with Mirajane. Now _that_ had been a melee. Still, if they sent someone else, well, that was unfortunate but, he'd have to make do. So long as he got to have a fight.

A long, brutal, old-fashioned, no holds barred, brawl.

Maybe a bit of fun once all was said and done.

What was wrong with that?

Perhaps had he been raised properly by his own kind in a village, Naruto might've realized how twisted such logic was. As things stood now, he didn't care, nor did he see a reason to. Zirconis had raised him to respect one thing above all in his life. Strength. He wouldn't force himself on others nor make an innocent do anything they didn't want to do, but that was the extent of his kindness. Sure, it might make him a bastard, but he had _some_ standards. Not that he'd pass up a good time if offered, mind you. Speaking of a good time, he wasn't having one!

Dragons were many things, but they certainly weren't patient.

"Oh, bleed this." Naruto muttered crossly to himself. "I'm done waiting."

Throwing his head back, the whiskered warrior inhaled deeply, magic swelling in his lungs.

Then, his gaze fixed firmly upon the heavens, he released the gathered energies in a bellowing, ear-splitting roar.

 **"FAIRY TAIL!"** he hurled the words at the sky, obliterating the clouds in a grand snarl that shook a cloud of dirt and dust free from the street. Indeed, the very earth seemed to shake beneath his boots as he made his challenge known to the world. **"Where the hell are you?!"**

As luck would have it, someone chose that moment to answer.

His sensitive ears caught the telltale click of armored boots crossing the cobblestones mere moments before their owner appeared. They weren't running toward him as he had expected. Rather, they were walking. Slow solemn steps heralded their approach, a woman's armored figure outlined in the dust. Hmm. Not Mirajane? A cursory sniff confirmed his suspicions. As dirty as it might sound, he remembered her scent and this was not it. This one smelled of blood and steel, of grit and determination, and also...

...strawberry shortcake?

A disbelieving laugh burst from him.

"Oh, you've got to be kidding me...

"You." her stern voice drew a momentary blink from him. "Are you the brute responsible for all this?"

The fog of war fell away a moment later, allowing him a glimpse of his opponent.

Naruto straightened slowly, a sly smile dimpling his whiskered cheeks.

"And if I said I was?"

Silence.

Though all the world was only just now beginning to recover from the aftereffects of his roar, the same could not be said for his opponent. One had but to gaze upon her face to see that she hadn't been affected in the least. A single glance told him all he needed to know. Her body clad in the distinct likeness of Heart Kreuz. A sword clenched tight in her right hand. Flowing red hair framing a picturesque face from which twin eyes of cold silver shone. Their owner meant business. Lovely. While he had no intention of leveling the town, he wasn't beyond using faux-threats to draw out the desired result. Judging by her scowl, his letter had done just that.

"You know," he beamed, "Its customary to state your name before battle."

"...Erza." she reluctantly relented with a growl. "Erza Scarlet."

Hmm.

Erza was certainly beautiful in a severe sort of way; she would've been even more so if her eyes hadn't been trying to bore holes into his head. He suspected she'd be attempting to do just that with her sword in a few seconds.

Nevertheless he grinned and sketched a bow for her.

"Well, I believe you already know who I am, but I'll humor you."

Before Erza could think to dissuade him the brash blond hopped sideways on his leg before rounding on her to strike up a pose reminiscent of a certain toad sage while thrusting his right hand forward. Perhaps had he known his heritage, he would realized he incidentally imitated said man and made his godfather horribly proud. After all, he did like putting on a show.

"I AM NARUTO! THE DRAGON OF EROS!" he declared, tossing his head! "THE ETERNAL PERVERT! BOW BEFORE ME! THE POWER OF EROS COMPELS YOU!"

Coincidentally, he'd also made himself look like an absolute fool.

Erza palmed her face in quiet disbelief.

"Was that supposed to be intimidating?"

"Nonsense! You just can't comprehend it!"

...I'm not even going to dignify that with a response."

"Doesn't that count as one, though?"

 _"Damnitdrawyoursword!"_

"Sorry. I don't feel like it, Erza-chan." He answered cheekily, palming the shortsword sheathed at his hip and relishing the slight twitch in her face at the continued slight. "However," By way of reply, the blond extracted his right hand from a pocket and beckoned. "I do have my hands. They'll be more than enough."

"You mean to fight me unarmed?"

"Fight you?" an impish grin stole at the corners of his mouth, exposing sharp teeth. "Nah. Gonna wreck ya."

Something about the way he'd phrased that made her blush.

"Is this a game to you?!"

He barked a laugh.

"Yes!"

Struggling to master her emotions, Scarlet readied her blade.

"For the sake of your dignity, I'll give you one chance to apologize." her voice rang across the square like a bell, clear and strong as the sword in her hand. "There won't be another." He nearly laughed at her naivete outright.

Apologize?

That wouldn't be any fun!

"Look, just come at me, red." he beckoned impatiently. "I'm a very busy man and I don't have all day."

"You can't be serious."

"A 'course I am! What, afraid to fight me?" he called, happily erecting a villainous facade to deceive her yet again. "Well, I suppose that's the best one could expect from Fairy Tail. All bark and no bite. C'mon!" grinning, he spread his arms wide, openly inviting her to attack. "Hit me!"

It was precisely the wrong thing to say, and he knew it.

"Very well then." the redhead's face darkened, her eyes narrowing to thin slits of wrath. "I see you've accepted your fate."

"Noooo, that was another guy."

Erza's eye twitched.

"Prepare yourself!"

WHAM!

The resultant shockwave shook shops and shattered windows for miles in every direction, flattening anyone unlucky enough to outdoors. Had anyone been present in the immediate vicinity they would've seen the street itself crumble beneath the clash. A thousand blows fell and were deflected in an instant. Shockwaves speared the air and the earth alike, shattering all.

 _Shing!_

She flew at him anew, her sword arcing up at his face with a hiss of air.

Her counter was swift and immediate.

Naruto didn't bother to dodge.

Effortlessly, a finger rose and fell to interpose itself between the edge of her blade and his smiling visage. A startled grunt burst from Erza as she found her assault abruptly stalled by the lone digit; her feet grinding to an unexpected halt as her momentum met and found itself extinguished against the outstretched arm. Try as she might, she couldn't push past it. It felt as if she had swung her sword against a wall. A firm, unyielding wall of steel. She'd swung at him with a fair bit of strength and yet he'd parried her with ease.

Then that lone finger folded over the flat of her sword.

By itself the gesture made no sense to Titania; did he honestly think he could somehow hold it there with only one finger? Irked by his arrogance she tried to rip her weapon away, only to find it locked in place. Too late, she realized her peril. Though her palms remained firmly locked around the hilt of her blade, her opponent still possessed a free hand. Erza realized it in the same instant Naruto did, but found herself unable-or perhaps simply unwilling-to release the blade despite her predicament. He leaned forward then, eyes flashing.

"You know, this is an awfully nice sword." he purred, the words silken with menace.

Blue eyes burned the color of a thousand flames.

 _"It'd be a shame if someone broke it."_

In hindsight, she _really_ should've let go of that sword.

Without warning Naruto's fist barreled through Erza's guard and into her chest, shattering sword and breastplate alike. The sheer force of the blow denied her any chance to counter; ripping the redhead from her feet to fling her across the street, her body skipping like a flung stone before finally crashing into a nearby building. Despite her best attempts to right herself, her head struck something hard and her world faded to black for a moment, reality spinning madly around her.

"Wha...?"

When she came to she found herself flat on her back, staring up at the smoldering ruin that had once been a house. _Well, shit._ Was her first coherent thought. _I hope no one lived there._ Distantly, she became aware of the searing pain in her chest, the rubble around her shoulders, the laughter in her ears. Wait.

Laughter?

"Oiiiiii, Erza-chan? Are you still alive?" Naruto's voice catcalled after her. "Did I hit you too hard? I thought you were stronger than this! You can't protect anyone with that kind of strength!"

A muscle jumped in Erza's jaw.

To be fair, she had prided herself on controlling her temper the last few years, nearly tamping it down entirely. Her petty squabbles with Mirajane were a thing of the past. She'd worked hard to bury the insecurity that arose whenever she thought of Jellal or her old friends. Not that her temper was exhausted per se; it would still rear its head from time to time. She wasn't beyond putting her foot down where the Guild was concerned, nor did she ignore Natsu and Gray's bickering, but she simply chose to focus on more productive issues rather than lash out at anyone who dared to to provoke her wrath.

But something in Naruto's words struck a chord in her.

 _You can't protect anyone._

This time when her temper reared its head, Erza didn't bother restrain it.

Flipping herself off the cobblestones, she cast the ruined remnants of her sword down and summoned one of her many sets of armor. Once, she'd struggled with the art. Now? It was as natural as breathing. Wings the color of night bloomed from her back. Ebony gauntlets sheathed the length of her arms, followed by her legs, until the transformation completed. Clad in her Black Wing armor, she raised her newly summoned blade in challeng.

"You'll eat those words."

Naruto grinned. "Eh, looks a bit too leathery for my liking."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

Still smiling, he slid into a stance.

"You'll see soon enough."

* * *

 _(...Miles Away...)_

* * *

Zirconis stifled a mighty sneeze.

"Why do I get the feeling that brat's up to no good?"

Another distant explosion rocked the earth.

Well, this boded poorly...

* * *

 _(...Meanwhile...)_

* * *

Erza Scarlet was not having a good day.

For the second time in as many minutes, she found herself flat on her back yet again. No matter how many times she got back up Naruto was always there to knock her right back down. Worse, he seemed to be making a game of it; trying to see how far and through how many buildings he could hurl her at any given time. This time she'd flown clear through what had once been a thriving restaurant just as it was opening. As if that did not sting her pride enough, there was the matter of her armor...

"SMASH!"

A strangled squawk burst out of the redhead as Naruto's clenched fist hammered home inches from her head.

"What, is that it?!" he leered down at her, pinning her with his body. "I was expecting more of a challenge! Is that all a Fairy Tail mage can do?"

Erza twitched.

 _Enough!_

Scraping herself off the shattered earth, Erza reached for her magic reserves and pulled on them. _Hard._ Her power responded almost immediately, swells of golden light igniting the air around her to fling the belligerent blond back as the ruined rags of her clothing fell away. In that moment she was keenly aware of her vulnerability; in the few precious seconds she needed to equip her armor, Naruto could have easily attacked and put an end to their battle. With that kind of strength, it would have been effortless put an end to their battle. Any sane man should have seized such an opportunity. It would've been the wise thing to do. Erza almost expected the assault.

Remarkably, it never came.

Instead Naruto shoved both hands into his pockets and waited her out; arching an eyebrow as she completed her final preparations. Jagged black spikes jutted from her armor, burgeoned by the towering mace hefted in her hand. By rights she was a terrifying sight. Still, Naruto's smile hadn't wavered in the least. He looked almost...aroused? No, that was Absurd. Ridiculous. What manner of man found that kind of enjoyment in battle?! Shaking off _that_ disquieting thought, Erza shouldered her weapon and leveled it towards the enigmatic blond.

"None has seen this armor and lived to tell the tale." she growled. "Witness it and despair. Ex-quip, Purgatory armor!"

She honestly expected fear from him then, perhaps even some form of anxiety.

"Well." he surprised her by licking his lips. "Don't you look _delicious."_

And just like that, Erza's confidence was swallowed by confusion.

"What?!" she sputtered in disbelief. "How can you say that?!"

"No, not you! Your armor! Jeez, what kind of-OOMPH?!"

Whatever words the dragon slayer might've said withered on his tongue as Erza lunged forward and viciously slammed her mace into the side of his head. Now it was Naruto's turn to soar; his body was sent tumbling wildly through a nearby fountain and several fruit stands before he managed to right himself. Even drenched and covered in juice, his enthusiasm hadn't dampened in the least. Somehow, the sight of him smiling-the sound of that demented laugh-only infuriated Erza all the more. How many times did she have to smite him before he gave up?!

"Alright!" he crowed, blinking the blood out of his eyes as he climbed to his feet. "Now that's more like it!

"A sneak attack!" Naruto cackled anew, despite the gaping tear in his coat. "How unexpected!"

"Try insulting my guild again!" she snarled! "You won't live to see tomorrow!"

"I'm sorry, was I not clear?" he beamed impishly. "Fuck. Fairy. Tail."

 _"Aaargh!"_

Erza shouted angrily and lunged at him anew, blood boiling.

They closed then, trading blows at a breakneck pace.

It was the worst thing she could have done.

A tugging sensation registered on Scarlet's right arm as they traded blows, but she shook it off. It came again, followed by curious weightlessness and air on exposed skin. Then she shot past him, stumbling and tripping for lack of balance. It took her several seconds to realize why as she stared at her exposed arm. Naruto had somehow cut _-no, she realized with a pang of disbelief as she saw the teeth marks-_ he'd not cut bu _t eaten_ clear through one of her gauntlets well past the shoulder, pauldrons, spikes and all but exposing part of her chest. With his teeth. _Teeth!_ A ripple of confusion, tore its way through her as she turned, tracking her opponent.

 _'When did he...?!'_

By the time she turned, Naruto had already finished his meal. Now he clicked his tongue and picked a bit of black metal out of his teeth with a finger. Belatedly, she realized he must've done so while they were fighting, but how!? She hadn't seen him move! How could someone take chunks out of her armor without being noticed?!

Then, impossibly, he smiled.

"Okay, your purgatory armor tastes...FANTASTIC! The texture! The flavor! It was absolutely sublime!" Avarice burned in his eyes. "I want more! Hand it over!"

Erza squeaked and flailed her weapon arm at him, covering her exposed breast with the other.

"What?! No! Get away!"

Too late, she realized her mistake.

Naruto caught the mace in his mouth.

Actually, _physically_ , caught with his teeth alone.

He bit down hard, rendering the black mace little more than shattered shards in his mouth.

"Ugh, blech!" he frowned, spitting the metal out. "Has a bitter taste. Got anything else?"

Infuriated she flung a kick at him, only for the greave to vanish into his maw as well.

This wasn't happening.

Erza stepped-stumbled really-backwards, clutching the ruined haft of her weapon in disbelief. What sorcery was this?! She'd fought countless foes over her career, faced death time and time again with fire in her heart. Yet she found herself at a loss to explain the fear she'd felt now. This man had just taken one of her most powerful armors and devoured it, weapon and all. As if it were nothing. But despite his strange hunger, despite taking her armor from her, he still hadn't drawn blood. He was _toying_ with her. Perhaps that was even more terrifying.

"Just what kind of mage are you!? Are you my natural enemy or something?!"

Naruto shrugged, stifling a small belch as he finished off his snack.

"Never thought about it that way, but yeah. Guess I am."

 _"You knave!"_

In a fit of pique Erza discarded her Purgatory Armor for another set, a swathe of fire baring her body in orange crimson. The Flame Empress Armor answered her summons readily, a curtain of embers bathing her form from head to toe. Momentarily forced back by the blaze, Naruto nevertheless regarded this newcomer with rapt fascination. Erza quailed slightly at the look in his eyes. Was this what Mirajane had faced? A hunger that had no end?

"Oh, that looks spicy!"

 _"Don't you dare!"_

CHOMP.

Flinging herself upward into the air, Erza narrowly evaded his toothy assault.

Not so the followup.

 ** _"Jade Dragon's Roar!"_**

"Shit." Erza managed eloquently as she beheld the column of green light now rushing up to greet her like an old friend. Mirajane had warned her about this attack; even so she found herself unprepared as the emerald wave of light ran roughshod over her body. In a fit of desperation she slashed at it and felt her blazing blade make contact with the one behind. Naruto's startled yelp of pain told her all she needed to know. Pivoting in the air she struck again, ending his airborne charge with a vicious crosscut that sent him screaming back to the earth in a fiery explosion.

Alighting upon the scorched street, Titania paused to survey her work.

Where once there had been a fountain now existed little more than a charred and smoldering crater. Had there been any civilians in the area, they surely would've been badly burned. In this moment, her blood sang too loudly for her to care _. Got you!_ At last, she'd managed to hit him! He wouldn't be laughing now!

"What's the matter?" a small smile plucked at the corners of her mouth as she called down to him. "Too hot for you?"

Erza regretted her quip almost immediately.

 _'God, that sounded corny.'_

"Not... **quite."**

"What?!"

As she looked on in quiet disbelief a crimson-clad hand appeared over the crater's rise. Then another, as Naruto slowly pulled his battered body from the scorched earth. Though his coat hung in tatters around his body and his chest bore an ugly burn, he still stood, albeit with effort. An angry hiss snaked past clenched teeth as he touched a hand to his scorched chest. Dismayed, she watched the wound close; healthy skin flowing like milk across his back into existence across his torn ribcage.

She wasn't sure what she felt; relief that he'd recovered from a wound she hadn't meant to inflict, or anger that he gotten up after that.

For the first time since their battle began, Naruto's face lost its pleasant smile.

"If its any consolation," he growled, "That hurt like hell."

To Erza's disbelief, even then her foe made no move to draw his weapon, or even summon one for that matter. In lieu of arming himself as she'd demanded, Naruto simply forced his fingers together and formed a point with them; an impenetrable, upturned wedge now standing squarely in her direction. As she looked on, that eerie red aura began to stem from his outstretched limb again, gradually radiating outwards to engulf the rest of his body. The faintest of winds gathered around them, scattering the dust to the winds.

 _'W-What is that?!'_

"Sorry," sharpened fangs flashed as he spoke, "But that kinda hurt. Don't think I'll go easy on you, this time." As he spoke, the ghastly crimson aura crept upwards, staining his hair the color of blood. "Two tails oughta be enough for now." he murmured halfheartedly, rolling his shoulders. "You'd do well to dodge this."

"Did you say something?"

"Not really. _Duck!"_

"Wait, wha-

THRUCK.

An unexpected breath burst from Erza's lungs in a sudden, explosive gasp, her prideful words drying up as a clenched fist sheathed itself firmly in her lower abdomen. She had but an instant to comprehend the crippling attack before the momentum of the blond's abrupt assault caught up with them, shattering the Flame Empress Armor and tossing her body across the street once more. In the next instant her armored backside collided with a wall and a jab of red hot agony shot through her right shoulder.

Instead of pursuing he gave her the opportunity to right herself, waiting patiently as she struggled upright.

For what little good it did her.

Erza tasted blood against her tongue. Raising her gaze, a lone line of blood so much like her namesake slipped its way through her clenched teeth in spite and her mouth and her stomach roiled, struggling to master her breakfast. Not enough to pierce her through, yet more than adequate to shatter her breastplate, she nevertheless found herself struggling to stand.

"What in the...what did you just do...?!"

"Hmm?" Naruto beamed and bounced on the balls of his feet, seemingly pleased by the harsh scrutiny of her words. "This trick? Dunno. I've been able to do it for as long as I can remember. I could explain it to you but...nah, that's not it. No...you know what?" seeing her disbelieving expression, his enthusiastic smile dimmed somewhat. "Nevermind. You won't believe me, I can tell. Just as well. It's too troublesome to explain. Long story short? It amplifies power at the cost of stamina. Now...its over."

"What do you mean its over?!" Erza struggled and failed to rise; now she quailed, her face turning pallid as the irritated dragon slayer stalked towards her. "What're you going to do?!" Was he really going to kill her after all this...?!

"Something that should have been done a long time ago." Naruto's smile turned decidedly impish, if no sinister. "Now, prepare yourself!"

"No, don't!"

His shadow fell over her.

"Dragon Slayer Secret Art!"

"No, wait! I give up! No! Mercy!"

 _"ONE THOUSAND YEARS OF DEATH!"_

 _The kingdom of Fiore would forever remember the shriek that followed._

 **A/N: Hahaha, bit of a silly end there! And there we go. Naruto declaring a mad war on Fairy Tail...of the most perverted sort, and events are already spiraling out of control.** **Any and all ideas are welcome!**

 **So...in the immortal words Atlas...**

 **...Review, Would You Kindly?**

 **And of course, enjoy the previews! What madness awaits Naruto? Stay tuned to find out!**

 **(Preview)**

 _"I demand compensation!"_

 _"Huh?"_

 _"You broke most of my armor, you idiot! Pay up!"_

 _"HUH?!"_

* * *

 _"Huh." He blinked. "I can't undo that equip. Just how desperate are you to get married?"_

 _"W-What?! That's not true! Not at all!"_

* * *

 _"Also, I don't like men."_

 _"Wait, what does that even mean-_

 _"You're a dead man!"_

 _Erza had to forcibly bite her tongue to hold in her mirth as feather-covered Laxus stumbled into view._

 _The lightning mage was no friend of hers; quite the opposite in fact. To see the arrogant mage brought down a peg was more than she could have ever hoped for._

 _ **Hope ya liked it! R &R! =D**_


	4. House of Cards (Interlude)

**A/N: A lot of you are probably playing Kingdom Hearts right about now, so I won't be surprised if this update flies right under the radar...**

 **...but I'm a bit nettled at the moment.**

 **Not at any of you guys and gals playing games of course, I understand. A lot of us have been waiting AGES for KH 3 to come out. Might pick it up later myself. Buuuuuuuut there's another matter that has me a touch irked.**

 ***grumbles incoherently***

 **Who says I can't update my other categories?! Only a Fate Stay Night writer you say?! Unable to update my other stuff you say?!**

 **CHAAAAAAAAALLENGE ACCEPTED~!**

 **Honestly, I wanted to surprise you all by posting it all at once but noooooooo some people don't like surprises apparently!** **Right so you're getting an interlude then, hope you like it since some people refuse to wait.**

 **As to why I haven't written any Fairy Tail stuff...well...almost dying did a number on me.** **Working seven days a week tends to put a damper on things as well!**

 **So! Here you go! Enjoy this tiny little tidbit and I hope it warms your day.**

 **Also, bit of tongue-in-cheek here~!**

 _"Beware the fool and look past his antics...for he is often the most dangerous and unassuming adversary."_

 _~?_

 **House of Cards (Interlude)**

 _Fate is a funny thing._

 _Some might call this encounter thus._

 _But no, Cana Alberona encountered Uzumaki Naruto by pure chance._

 _Simply put, it was blind, bloody luck-or what some might call misfortune-that caused Fairy Tail's resident alcoholic to blunder into the Dragon of Eros when she did. A simple misstep down the winding road of life; one that would have far-reaching consequences for years hence. The smallest of encounters, a mere brushing of shoulders as they passed one another by. Nothing alarming. Nothing drastic. Nothing spectacular. Yet it would change not only her world, but the whole of Fiorre itself._

 _Of course, Cana Alberona knew none of this._

 _She'd simply gone out to procure more afternoon booze, not to pick a fight._

 _In hindsight that miiiiiiiiiiight have been what kickstarted the spectacular disaster that followed. Ah, but I digress. The series of unfortunate events that would lead to this moment did not begin in some dark alley, nor were they the plot of some dark mage, or even the retaliation of Fairy Tail itself for deeds rendered against them by the Dragon Of Eros._

 _No, dear reader, it began on a day much like any other._

 _...they met in a marketplace and q_ _uite simply put..._

 _...reality folded like a house of cards..._

* * *

 **(...0o0o0...)**

* * *

"Jeez, what's a girl gotta do to get buzzed around here?"

Warm afternoon sunlight soothed her shoulders, warming her back as she sauntered down the street.

Alas, it did little to soothe her thirst, much less her fury.

Cana Alberona stifled a small groan against the back of her hand; silently bemoaning her lack of liquor and the once-pleasant haze it had brought. One she was very much lacking right now. Really, it wasn't fair. Yes! None of this was her fault! No! None of it! Stupid Natsu! Stupid Gray! Stupid boys and their _stupid_ quarrel! Not only had those two buffoons wrecked half the guild with their brawl _but more importantly_ they'd shattered her last remaining barrel and the sweet, sweet alcohol within. More fool she for letting them anywhere near it!

What had she been thinking?!

Bit of a rhetorical question, that. When said someone _downed an entire barrel a day_ and wasn't so much as tipsy from it, they'd have to drink quite a bit indeed. Cana? Her alcohol tolerance was nigh-on-legendary by now. Still, that left her with something of a conundrum now that she'd run dry. Few were willing to procure supplies for Fairy Tail what with that perverted prankster running about Magnolia, thus she found herself forced to find alternative means to satisfy her...craving. Hmm. Could it be called a craving if she could never truly get drunk? Perhaps she ought to be more concerned about that Dragon brat roving around...?

Bah.

Regardless, her feet knew the way even if her mind was lost in thought, and the card found her destination in short order. As ever the market called to her with its sights and sounds, a fragrant cacophony that warmed her blood. Merchants hawking their wares, the rich aroma of fresh baked goods, the pleasant buzz of conversation trickling into her ears...

"Oh, look. Its the drunkard."

"Shh! Quiet! She's looking this way!"

"Can't believe she's walking around like that." a woman groused.

"I'm amazed she's out at all! Isn't that weirdo pranking any Fairy Tail mage in sight?"

...alright, maybe not so pleasant.

Despite that _mild_ exasperation Cana found herself heaving a small sigh of relief. Good. She'd made it here in one piece. Not that she was _concerned_ or anything mind you. Nay, their admonishments fell upon deaf ears, for there, towering above them all, she spied a series of signature-carved barrels that could only be her favored beverage. A wide, delighted grin stretched across her face.

"Ooh~!" she purred, shooting forward. "Come to mama!"

And then, quite suddenly, someone slammed into her.

"Look out~!"

She never saw their face when their shoulder collided with hers; only her world tilting awkwardly, everything going askew. As if she'd struck a wall; no, the wall had _struck her. Startled, she flailed for a moment, only for a_ warm hand to settle against her exposed navel. Plucked upright before she could so much as stumble a single step, the card-wielding mage could only manage a tiny squeak of surprise. Momentarily startled-but not wholly horrified-she batted the steadying palm away and turned to have it out with the fool who'd nearly bowled her over, but by then her would-be savior was already bounding past her, uncaring of her sputtered protest.

"Oops, sorry!" an unfamiliar voice swelled in her ears as he swept past. "Didn't see you there! My apologies!"

Without a quick parting smile, they bounded past her and approached a nearby stand.

"Hey, old man!" he called. "How much for an apple~?"

The busty brunette paused in mid-step.

Wait.

Wait a second.

 _Waitjustonebloodyminute!_

Under any other circumstance they wouldn't have noticed one another. Indeed, had Cana held her tongue and simply moved on, he would've walked right past her without so much as a parting glance. _He_ didn't know what she looked like and _she_ only knew his appearance by happenstance, and that was from secondhand information passed down by the guild. In her stupor she nearly ignored him outright. Almost. In the end she only recognized him by chance.

Blond hair?

Check.

Blue eyes?

Check.

Whiskers?

Check.

The individual before her, despite his coat of many colors and surprisingly stoic demeanor, fit the given description to a T. She wanted nothing to do with this monster. No-anyone capable of mauling Mirajane-even if she wasn't in her prime at the time-and embarrassing Erza wasn't someone she wished to tangle with. Certainly not when said someone had utterly humiliated the latter. Now, Cana was no slouch when it came to magic, but she knew anyone capable of tangling with Fairy Tail's strongest wasn't someone she wanted No, the smart thing to do would have been to turn around and walk away.

Alas, Cana couldn't help her involuntary reaction.

"You!"

The blond spun about as she jabbed a finger at him, nearly choking on his snack.

"Me-ack?!" he coughed, slamming a fist into his chest. "Damnitall, what was that for?! You nearly killed me!"

At first those wild blue eyes regarded her with quiet confusion-at least the bastard didn't look elsewhere-but the emotion proved fleeting. Despite her earlier assessment his gaze still shifted to her exposed navel, then her midriff. Saw the mark there. The telltale emblem of Fairy Tail. In hindsight, Cana couldn't blame him for noticing. It wasn't as if she were dressed to impress at that. Clothes were _annoying_ even at the best of times and she hadn't bothered to throw on a full outfit today anyway.

Yes, it couldn't be helped.

As ever her shapely upper body was left largely exposed, clad in a blue bikini top and a simple pair of dark Capri pants complete with high-heeled sandals. Indeed her attire couldn't be called anything beyond _distinctively_ _scanty_ , accentuating her curved hips and large full breasts. She was accustomed to the attention her...unique choice of clothing drew and while not overly fond of it, had long since learned to ignore such overt stares...

...so why was this guy looking as her as though she were dressed like a damn _nun?_

"Another one? I really hadn't planned anything until tomorrow...

A lone hand rose, fingers curling into curved claws.

...don't tell me you're here to avenge Erza?"

Cana vigorously shook her head

"Absolutely not~!"

"Pity. Still, that's all you're wearing?" Naruto sounded almost disappointed by comparison, not at all as excited as she might've expected. "I'm afraid that won't make for a very good meal."

 _"M-Meal?!"_

Cana swiped at him, to no avail; the whiskered warrior simply swayed backwards; flowing around a punch meant to shatter his nose, easily bounding over a kick striking at his legs. When she finally dared to draw a card and use her magic he simply hopped forward and poked her in the forehead.

"Jeez, you're a little spitfire! Your parents must've had a hell of a time with you!"

A muscle jumped in her jaw.

Try as she might, Cana couldn't let the insult slide. Naruto likely hadn't even meant offense by that remark just now; it was simply in his nature to speak his mind. He had no way of knowing her painful past, or the jagged trigger that the mere mention of her family brought. Yes, something in his remark set her off. On some level she knew she'd goaded herself into a battle she couldn't possibly win...but she didn't care. There were some things in this world that you just couldn't tolerate, no matter how much you might wish otherwise.

Raising a hand, she palmed three cards into her fingers.

...I've changed my mind. I accept your challenge."

"Challenge? No, no, no!" he waved a gloved finger as her as though he were chiding a small child. "Most of what I've done so far is reactive. I would like to state that I didn't start any of this, but I'll be more than happy to finish it. Case in point: Mirajane. Then Erza. And now you." his head tilted. "Funny how life works, innit? I'll try to make this quick."

 _Then the boy blurred._

That was the sole moniker Cana could think to give to this inexplicable blur of motion. She blinked and he vanished. Like a snapshot frozen in time. There one moment gone the next. A hand gripped her shoulder and spun her about, sending her forehead slamming against his.

A wide smile greeted her there, exposing sharpened teeth.

 _"I'm not just a one trick pony, you know."_

A lone finger flicked her forehead.

Then came the pain.

For Cana, it wasn't so much a poke as it was _the sensation of being pushed_ that knocked her out; rather, the complete and utter displacement of her body from the space she had been occupying. The attack and the searing agony that followed were all-consuming, devouring emotion and reason alike. For a heartbeat she'd stood firm before the prankster, silently glowering up at those bewitching blue eyes and wondering what the devil he was up to. Then quite suddenly, she found herself ripped her from the ground and flung down the street.

"What in the-?!"

By the time she comprehended that she'd genuinely annoyed him-indeed, that she'd been struck-the battle had already ended.

"See you later! Bye-bye~!"

Momentum had already said its peace.

Her first true realization that something had gone terribly, horribly wrong came when her back greeted a nearby wall and summarily plowed through like wet tissue paper. Breath burst from her lungs and her world went black for a moment. Neither building nor barrier stood in the face of her short-lived flight, indeed by the time she recovered it proved too late to do anything at all.

When she finally came to, she found herself sprawled on her back in the ruins of what _might_ have been a distillery. Maybe. She couldn't tell with the stars spinning in her eyes.

Hissing softly, she struggled to rise, to no avail.

"You know, this has been rather fun...

Through the swimming ashen haze, she beheld the blond's approach; watched helplessly as he climbed over the rubble to reach her side. Rather than attack her, mock her, or even kick her while she was down as she'd expected, he did the unthinkable. Gentle blue eyes narrowed, whiskered cheeks dimpling into a sly smile. A tan hand descended, not to strike, nor to attack, but to pluck her off the floor by the wrist.

...I think I've taken a liking to you. You've got fire in your belly! So! In lieu of our new friendship...!

Incredulous, Cana struggled to offer some form of protest, to speak to say something, anything, only to find a mug thrust into her hand.

Heedless of her confusion, the Dragon of Eros thumped down a towering barrel of alcohol between the two of them. A flick of his fingers cracked the keg open.

"Care for a drink~?

 **A/N: And there we are.**

 **I do apologize for the shortness-and lateness-of this chapter, but since everyone seems to be clamoring for the next one-and given Fairy Tail's resurgence-I'm going to try my damndest to get back to them as best I can, given my woeful health.**

 **Really, every review, no matter how short, helps.**

 **So...in the immortal words Atlas...**

 **...Review, Would You Kindly?**

 **And of course, enjoy the previews! What madness awaits Naruto? Stay tuned to find out!**

 **(Preview)**

 _A piece of paper fluttered to the ground at her feet._

 _"Meet me at this location this evening. I'll whip you unto shape. But in the meantime..._

* * *

 _"Weeeeeell...my master was a bit of a glutton. Guess I inherited my hunger from him."_

 _"You just ate clothes. CLOTHES! What kind of Dragon Slayer are you?!"  
_

 _"To be fair, I've tried eating other things!"_

* * *

 _"Time, huh? Never tried eating that before."_

 _"What did you do?!"_

* * *

 _"Like I said...I prefer women. Sorry, but this'll hurt."_

* * *

 _"Hey, thanks for the bath!"_

 _Juvia jolted upright._

 _ **Hope ya liked it! R &R! =D**_


End file.
